What I Wish I Knew Before My First Dementia Shift: An Honest Letter to New Caregivers
- Franklin Saavedra
- May 24
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 24
I didn’t expect to cry in the supply closet.
But on my very first shift in a dementia care unit, that’s exactly what happened. Between the confusion, the aggression, and the aching silence of a woman who kept calling me her daughter—I cracked. Not from weakness. From heartbreak.
If you’re just starting your journey as a caregiver, this is for you. This isn’t a checklist. It’s the truth I wish someone had told me.
1. It’s Not Personal. It Feels Personal.
When Mr. Jacobs accused me of stealing his shoes, I panicked. My brain said, he doesn’t mean it. But my body felt accused. Shame crept in. What I wish I knew? Dementia rewires the brain’s ability to understand reality. It isn't personal, even when it feels that way.
To better navigate moments like these, having visual aids and communication tools can be game-changers. These De-escalation Tools & Dementia Communication Cards (Paid link) help bridge the gap when words fail and emotions run high.
Resources:
2. Emotional Memory Lasts Longer Than Names
They may forget your name. But they will remember how you made them feel. Smiling. Holding a hand. Gentle eye contact. These create emotional anchors. I learned this when a resident who never remembered me smiled every time I entered the room. She remembered the kindness, not the name.
Resources:
3. Sleep Deprivation Will Catch Up With You
That 3 a.m. sundowning episode? It won’t be your last. And if you don’t rest, you won’t cope. Sleep is a care strategy, not a luxury.
Try using a Weighted Blanket for Calming Sleep (Paid link) to promote deeper rest or Blue Light Blocking Glasses for Evening Use (Paid link) to prepare your brain for better sleep.
4. You Will Question If You’re Enough
You will have days when you lose your patience. You will cry. You will feel like you’re failing.
You’re not.
You are navigating a condition that has no rulebook. What matters most isn’t being perfect—it’s showing up again. Reflect and restore with a Caregiver Reflection Journal (Paid link).
5. The Body Keeps the Score (Yours, Too)
Back pain. Anxiety. Digestive issues. The cost of chronic stress is real. You can’t help others if your body is screaming.
Stretch. Breathe. Eat. Walk. And consider using a Self-Massage Roller for Tension Relief (Paid link) to release stored tension.
Resources:
6. Humor Will Save You
When a resident told me I looked like his pet goat, I laughed. That was the day I learned: humor disarms fear.
Find joy in the absurd. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re still human.
7. Ask for Help Before You Break
You don’t need to wait until you’re curled up in a supply closet. Ask for support. Find a mentor. Take respite.
Resources:
Final Thoughts
No one can prepare you fully for what dementia care asks of your mind, your patience, and your heart. But if this post finds you before your first shift—or in the thick of your tenth—you are not alone.
Your presence matters more than your perfection. You are doing sacred work.
With grace,
Rebecca Saavedra
Former Nurse | Educator
P.S. If you found this helpful, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter below. You’ll receive thoughtful, practical insights like this—delivered straight to your inbox.
FAQ: What Every New Dementia Caregiver Should Know
1. What are common emotional challenges for new dementia caregivers?
New caregivers often experience guilt, grief, frustration, and exhaustion. These emotions are normal and signal how deeply you care—not that you’re failing.
2. Why do dementia patients say hurtful or false things?
Dementia affects memory and perception. Accusations or confusion aren’t personal—they’re symptoms of a brain struggling to process reality.
3. Do dementia patients remember feelings even if they forget people?
Yes. Emotional memory lasts longer than short-term recall. Patients may forget names but remember how safe, loved, or frightened they felt.
4. What is sundowning in dementia and how can I cope?
Sundowning refers to late-day confusion, restlessness, or aggression in dementia. Creating a calming evening routine and limiting stimulation can help reduce symptoms.
5. How can caregivers get better sleep while supporting someone with dementia?
Use tools like white noise machines, blue light blockers, and weighted blankets. Ask for respite care when possible—your rest is part of the care plan.
6. Is it normal to feel like I’m not doing enough as a dementia caregiver?
Yes. Many caregivers struggle with self-doubt. What matters most isn’t being perfect—it’s showing up with compassion again and again.
7. How does caregiving affect your physical health?
Chronic stress can cause back pain, digestive issues, fatigue, and weakened immunity. Caregivers must care for their own bodies too—rest, nutrition, and movement are essential.
8. Can humor help in dementia care?
Absolutely. Humor reduces tension, builds connection, and helps reframe difficult moments. Laughter can be a healing, humanizing tool.
9. When should a dementia caregiver ask for help?
Don’t wait until you’re burned out. Ask early—whether it’s help from family, support groups, home health aides, or respite services.
10. What are good tools to improve communication with dementia patients?
Visual aids, communication cards, and simple language all help. Nonverbal tools like touch and eye contact can also convey safety and love.
11. What is emotional burnout in dementia caregivers?
Burnout is emotional and physical exhaustion from prolonged caregiving. It can include withdrawal, irritability, health issues, or feeling numb.
12. Are there resources for first-time dementia caregivers?
Yes. Organizations like the Alzheimer’s Association offer 24/7 helplines, local support groups, and caregiver toolkits for beginners.
13. How do I stop taking difficult behaviors personally?
Remind yourself it’s the disease, not the person. Deep breathing, journaling, and support groups can help reframe painful interactions.
14. What is the most important thing to remember as a dementia caregiver?
Your presence matters more than your perfection. Even small acts of kindness have lasting impact.
15. How can caregivers manage grief while their loved one is still alive?
This is called anticipatory grief. Talking to others, journaling, or therapy can help you process the sense of loss even as your loved one is physically present.
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Disclaimer: These stories are inspired by real experiences in long-term care. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. In some cases, elements may be composite to reflect common clinical patterns and emphasize educational points. The intent is to inform and advocate, not to assign blame or disclose personal information.
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